As my mission trip to London draws closer I feel more unqualified to be going on this trip. When I sit in our team meetings listening to the discussion I can't help but become overwhelmed almost to the point of tears. I have been a believer since I was 7 years old and some of the questions we are raising about our faith to prepare ourselves for our encounters in London are incredibly above my head.
I know that the Lord has allowed me to go on this trip for a reason. I recognize that the doors that were opened for me to go were not done by accident. But for the life of me I can't help, but wonder how I will be of any use to God for this trip.
I can't answer questions regarding science vs. God. I am not a philosophical thinker nor a high intellect. I've never had a real crisis of faith or truly questioned where God was in my life. Nothing horrible has happened to me and my testimony is pretty straight forward.
I grew up in a Christian household, my dad has been a minister my entire life, and I accpeted Christ when I was 7. I have been in the church since I was born and have not missed many Sunday's in my life. My faith has been a rollercoaster in terms of how devoted I have been to the Lord and it did not become my OWN fully until college. I have struggled with insecurity, self-conciousness, fear, anxiousness, and pride. I tend to place my worth in other people's hands, but nothing has been to the extreme. I guess I should feel blessed, but right now I feel pretty unuseful.
I am scared I won't be able to approach someone and start a conversation (I am pretty shy). Then even if I do approach someone what if they reject me? I am nervous that I won't be able to explain my faith or answer their questions. What if I just confuse myself and them even more? What if I become so flustered I can't even talk? Or even worse what if I go over there and never have a conversation about my faith?
Like I said earlier, I am an observer. This also means that I don't ask questions when I need to or get things explained for me when I don't understand. I don't like drawing attention to myself or seeming like I am incompentent. I don't like being bad at things even if "being bad" means that I have never tried before (logical I know). I am independent and prideful when it comes to trying new things or going out of my comfort zone, which is why it doesn't happen very often at all. Even though I am a teacher it is very difficult for me to be taught new things, especially when I recognize I will probably fail at first. I am the type of person that when I try something new I want to be an expert at it the first time without any coaching or help.
I have come to recognize my way of doing things is not going to work this time. I have bought book after book, read blog after blog, and tried to think my way through the process, but it's not helping me get ready as much as other things would that require me to get a little uncomfortable.
I need to have discussions with people. I need to practice answering questions, writing out answers and definitions of words that I understand because of my upbringing that others may not be clear on. Explaining Christianity with words that come from Christianity really doesn't help someone who is an unbeliever. I need to be able to defend my faith, but also explain it in a clear way. I need to admit that I need the help of others and its probably going to be ugly in the beginning. Not to mention that its ok not to be perfect at everything.
I am incredibly thankful for the wealth of resources that surround me. I have friends and family that are extremely gifted in explaining their faith to others and answering the challenging questions that some unbelievers may have. I must come to be ok with being uncomfortable if it means that I am learning to share my faith with others. It's the least I can do when Christ died for me.
But even more than that I can be sure that the Holy Spirit is going to be with me the entire time and will be guiding my words. The Lord has gone before me and will use my words if I am speaking for him. I know that I don't have to have all the answers, but I do want to be as prepared as I can be, recognizing that it is not me that brings people to Christ, but the Lord himself.
Please continue to pray for me and our group as we prepare for London. Pray that we prepare our hearts and minds for the conversations that we will have understanding the Lord is going before us and with us. Pray for me as I work against my fears and pride regarding learning new things.
I know many of the people that read my blog do not normally leave comments, but this is one post that I do need your input on. If you want to email me feel free.
How would you explain sin, Lord, grace, or sacrifice to an unbeliever? What do you use to start a conversation about God in someone's life? How do you share your faith with others? Are their books that have helped you share your faith?
Okay, I don't have answers for all of your questions. Or any of them. As you know my background is simliar to yours, raised in the church, nothing tragic has ever happened to me, ect. My faith comes up most commonly right now because of the adoption which is just totally different from walking up to someone on the street. Anyways, here is what I wanted to tell you: The week before we got our referral for A I went to an adoptive moms retreat. For a few weeks I had been feeling TOTALLY OVERWHELMED and unequipped to parent a child or children from a hard place. I was looking at my life and laughing that God would have ever led us on this crazy journey, I mean seriously, we aren't parents, we know nothing about being parents, how the heck are we going to make this work. I have a read a million blogs, so many books, talked to so many families, been to 4 conferences and I still felt lost. A lady that spoke (and has 8 adopted children) said this: "If you feel totally inadequate, it's because you are. BUT HE'S NOT". I think of that every single day. There is a reason you are going to London, He has a plan. Of course you should get all the knowledge that you can but in the end He can use you in whatever way He decides! And that my friend should make your breathe a bit easier!
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